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Ballot Time

Washington state voters approved initiative 901, imposing the nation's strictest anti-smoking regulations on Washington citizens. For years I've wished I could enjoy an evening of bowling or pub trivia without smelling like I'd wallowed in an ashtray, but lawmakers didn't seem willing to follow California's lead. Who knew all you had to do was bypass the lawmakers entirely and go directly to the people with an extreme ballot measure demanding even more draconian restrictions than the legislature would ever have passed on their own? Brilliant! I'm so inspired by this success, I've decided to draft resolutions for next November to shift life in Washington state closer to my own personal vision of utopia.

1. The Sound Sleep Initiative. Vehicle windows are prohibited from being rolled down if the stereo system in the vehicle is loud enough to be heard 25 feet away. Fines double after 11 PM. Directed EM pulses at key residential intersections fire automatically after 1 AM.

2. The I'm Standing Right Here Initiative. Retail employees are required to give higher priority to in-store customers than to people placing inquiries over the phone. The legally-mandated response shall become "I'm sorry sir/madam, but I'm currently with a customer who took the time to get off his ass and come into the store. He's running multiple errands and has places to be, so please continue to lounge in your bathrobe sucking down pork rinds and I'll get to you as soon as I'm done with this customer and the others who are waiting in line behind him."

3. The Condiment Initiative. All restaurants and food service establishments offering mustard as a condiment must offer spicy brown "deli" mustard instead of the florescent yellow variety. Honey mustard is also encouraged, but not required. All pizzas delivered to homes must come with red pepper flakes and parmesan cheese on the side.

4. All professional sporting events scheduled on weekdays shall begin prior to 5 PM to relieve rush hour traffic congestion.

Comments (4) | last by Steve Dupree, Nov 15, 4:46 PM

I'm Used To It, Already!

Today in my office's kitchen I saw an official company poster advertising upcoming Gay Pride Month activities, which struck me as utterly inappropriate. My feelings have nothing to do with whether or not I believe homosexuality is right or wrong, but rather my belief that what goes on in the bedroom between two consenting adults is their own damn business. I don't view a poster advocating Gay Pride Month as any different from one endorsing S & M month, Bestiality Month, or Menage a Trois Month. None are appropriate for the workplace.

Perhaps my issue is more with the whole "Gay Pride" thing. It's one thing to fight in the political arena for rights commensurate with those for married couples. It's another to thrust your sexuality into my microwaved Stagg chili. One could argue that our culture parades heterosexuality in front of us practically 24-7, and there's certainly some truth there. But that doesn't make it any more right than the presence of a Christmas tree at city hall just because the vast majority of town is uncircumcised. I'm comfortable with a reasoned debate and political action surrounding the issue of gay rights. I'm comfortable with people, gay or straight, showing discreet affection for each other (public face-sucking is gauche no matter how hot I may think you are). I'm not comfortable with what seems like a corporate endorsement for what I believe is a private, personal matter.

I recognize the difficulty of separating the political from the personal. The poster in question has a positive and affirming tone with no baby oil in sight, and advertises community outreach events. But I don't feel it's appropriate for my company to invite me to "Join us in celebrating Gay Pride Month." Call it "Gay Rights Awareness Month" and we're in business. Semantics? Tell that to the sanitation engineers.

Comments (26) | last by notme99, Jul 18, 8:43 AM

Girlie Founders

A big posthumous high five to the founding fathers for including that little Constitutional provision requiring our president to have been born in the United States. The idea of President Schwarzenegger is just too terrible to contemplate. And thanks to them, we don't have to.

On the other hand, major points off for the ambiguous wording of the second amendment.

Comments (4) | last by Dug Steen, Sep 13, 1:00 PM

Augusta, GA - House Majority Leader Tom DeLay criticized Tiger Woods today, calling him unpatriotic after his performance at The Masters golf tournament where Woods shot an eagle, or 2 under par. "In this time of war, it is completely inappropriate to shoot an eagle. We must all stand behind our President and our troops, and this kind of flagrant disrespect towards our national symbol is unconscionable."